does marriage kill romance? hell yeah

12 Jun

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt about getting married and having my own children. I had this very romantic, idyllic, unrealistic view of marriage. At least for the first twenty years of my life.

Then, the bubble burst.

My parents had tried very hard to pretend perfection. They had kept us outside their troubles, their turmoil, their struggles, until we were forced in. Did it serve us well? Hell no.

This post is not about my parents’ marriage though. This is not my story to tell.

This was just a mere introduction of how terrified I had suddenly become of getting married. Will I find the right one? Will I end up like my parents? Will it be as hard? Will I be struggling?

Yes, I hope not, probably, definitely.

I had a huge burden on my soul which gave me so much stress each time I started a new relationship which ultimately contributed in the break up.

During my emotional screwed up state I met N. We immediately clicked, spend a lot of time together, flirted like crazy and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I then decided to call it quits. N. was so surprised with my cold shoulder that he actually asked me to go out for a coffee and interrogated me if he had imagined the whole flirting thing or if it had actually happened.  I then gave him the most cliché but real answer I could. I told him that I valued him too much as a person to destroy him as I was an emotional wreck. He didn’t believe a word.

Six months later I decided to dive in. It was the first time I had no plans whatsoever. I had decided I would enjoy myself. I would live in the moment.

5 years later we got married.

These past 7 years we have been through a lot. My mother’s sickness, the death of his father, the birth of our two children, the letting go of our old carefree days, the transformation of our lives, the involuntary interference of the in-laws, the joy and the stress that parenthood brought upon us.

We sometimes lost each other in trying to deal with all of the above. We were lucky enough to find our way back.

Marriage is hard. Love is not enough. I always thought it was. But it ain’t. If you want your marriage to work you must constantly struggle to keep it alive. There will be bumps in the way. Lots of them. The secret is to keep finding ways to avoid them. Like the plague.

It is a constant struggle. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t choose a divorce. Don’t have an affair. Unless, you have realized that the person you decided to share the rest of your life with has flaws you can’t live with. Focus on the traits that you can’t live without. Make time to spend with each other. One on one. No kids. No friends. Just the two of you. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Make love even though you are tired. Turn your partner into your best friend.

Then, only then, you will have much higher chances to make it work. It’s not going to be easy, but what is?

Until next time



P.S. I spent the last 10 Minutes trying to convince N. to publish a picture we have from our New York Eves dinner but as he is a very private person I failed. I am OK with that. You see people? Lesson No 1: Respect & Compromise 😉


14 Responses to “does marriage kill romance? hell yeah”

  1. lahacienda June 12, 2013 at 8:58 am #

    Nietzsche said it better than me (I thought he was a cynical nihilist?) and I agree 100 percent. Romance gives you wings, friendship gives you a base to land after you’re done flying. Friendships need work to last as well – even more so if you add sex to the equation! A big kiss to my favorite couple!

    • wonderlandbytatu June 17, 2013 at 6:42 am #

      Friendship is another tough one!! You can make anything work if you want to. If there is a will, there is a way, right my fiend?

  2. Anonymous June 12, 2013 at 9:17 am #

    Love in Corfu!love summer!

  3. kidsrecipesandorganisedchaos June 12, 2013 at 9:41 am #

    Great post and so true…

    • wonderlandbytatu June 12, 2013 at 9:43 am #

      Thank you!!

      • expatsincebirth June 12, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

        I totally agree, Tatu. It’s hard work, and it’s really good if you’ve married your friend. It makes the toughest moments easier, because you can talk about everything. And respect: that’s very important too. I would maybe add the faculty of “seeing” the other person. After many years you take so many things for granted that you may not notice the changes. From time to time we need to take a step back and re-appreciate our choice 😉 Thanks for reminding me that. Have a lovely day! xxx

      • wonderlandbytatu June 17, 2013 at 7:00 am #

        Yes, the seeing part is extremely important. Appreciating the person you are sharing your life with is crucial to the well being of the relationship.
        Kids though, can definitely rock the boat. Unless you have a solid base, the whole parenting thing might kill off the romance completely.

  4. June 12, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    I think much of what you say about marriage is spot on. I’m glad you and N are working at it and making it work.

  5. nothingbythebook June 12, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

    Romance is such a… delusional state. While I think your post is dead on, I think your title is a little misleading. It’s not that marriage kills romance: it’s that romance does not make a marriage. Nor, as you point out, does love: love is not enough. Marriage is… commitment. On the scale, really, that parenthood is a commitment. And that includes a commitment to riding out the rough patches, working through them.

    • wonderlandbytatu June 17, 2013 at 6:49 am #

      You are right. Marriage is commitment and sooooooo much more.
      N. always says: we have to learn to disagree and something as ‘simple’ as that is sometimes hard enough.
      On another note, I would put honesty in my top 5 most important things a marriage should have. xxx

  6. ramblingsfromamum June 13, 2013 at 8:10 am #

    Your PS made me chuckle 🙂 I am so gkad my Mr. S started as friends and it grew from that and not the other way around 🙂 You have your head screwed on straight lovely – all will be well in the TN household 😉 xx

    • wonderlandbytatu June 17, 2013 at 6:53 am #

      Thank you my dear! I am a bit skeptical of what the future might hold but I hope that it will work out xxx

  7. Miss Fanny P June 18, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    just had to FB share this one – so true!

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