guilty, by default

9 Sep

I recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine, a mom of one adorable little toddler, and the topic of guilt came up.

It was the first time she had left her son at her mother in-law’s for a sleep over and she was feeling guilty about it.

N. was the first one to notice. You see, he has lived with a guilty driven mom of two for the last 6 years and he sees the signs immediately.

‘Don’t feel guilty. He will be fine. Try to enjoy your free time.’

Oh…what does he know? He is a father. I am not sure he fully comprehends the power of MOMMY GUILT. I know the feeling all too well. I even bought a book about it.

It all starts from day 1 (the moment you realize you are pregnant). All of a sudden EVERYONE around you knows better. Heaven forbid you are a first time mom.  Do this, DON’T do that, eat this, don’t even think about drinking that, blah blah blah.

If you are a bit like me, lacking even a teeny, tiny bit of confidence, you are officially SCREWED.

The guilt trip continues. Unless you are having a natural birth at home, breastfeed the picture perfect little baby of yours 24/7, be in constant joy and feel incredibly happy and blessed, YOU HAVE BEEN AUTOMATICALLY DOWNGRADED to the MEDIOCRE MOM CATEGORY.

Top that with your sleepless nights and shocked realization that this baby is HERE TO STAY, you fall into this black grey hole where you are starting to lose yourself and become obsessed with trying to be THE PERFECT MOM.

DOES IT WORK?

NO WAY, JOSE.

What does happen though, is that you are heading slowly but steadily towards your first (and unfortunately not your last) mommy meltdown.

‘I have failed. I am a shitty mother. Why can’t I make it work? 

If none of the above seem familiar, congratulations to you, YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN!

Guilt is a powerful feeling. If you let it rule your life I guarantee you, you will be miserable. Can you get rid of it? No, of course not. But you can learn to control it. You can shush the inner voice at times when you know better.

Stop. Breathe. Take. One. Step. At. A. Time.

Is it going to be easy?? HELL NO. But it’s definitely going to be worth it.

Until next time

love,

tatu

scary mommy

source: scary mommy

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17 Responses to “guilty, by default”

  1. ramblingsfromamum September 9, 2013 at 8:19 am #

    I still feel guilty and my girls are 26 and 30! So it will never change. Do not try to be the perfect mum – for in your endeavours you shall fail, as none of us are perfect. As for those that write or dictate about how you should be, what you should be doing… remember this old saying from Shakespeare – to thine ownself be true. 🙂 xxx

    • wonderlandbytatu September 9, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

      Oh my dear MM, I am not trying anymore. I am fully aware that no matter how much I try, I will never be perfect. But that’s ok though. I am teaching my kids how to be human, mistakes and everything included.
      Love xxx

      • ramblingsfromamum September 9, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

        excellent teaching 🙂

  2. sakuraandme September 9, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

    Oh T, you make me laugh! 🙂
    🙂
    We all feel guilty at different times of our childrens lives and I don’t think it ever really leaves you. Because then when you can’t babysit their kids? You’re left feeling guilty all over again!! LMAO Does that help? Lol Hahahaha
    We have to laugh it’s our job! Hugs to you. Paula xxxx

    • wonderlandbytatu September 9, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

      Paula I am glad I make you laugh!!
      I know, this guilt thing doesn’t really let you be, right??
      Love & hugs to you xxx

      • sakuraandme September 9, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

        Hahaha!
        Unfortunately, NO! Lol xoxoxo

  3. kidsrecipesandorganisedchaos September 9, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Ah, this is all too familiar. We moved in with my in laws not long after our first child was born, while we renovated. Big mistake. If I heard, one more time, ‘welll, what I did when my boys were young…’ I was going to scream!

  4. memyselfandkids.com September 9, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

    Everything from the mommy perspective seems to be multiplied by 3. I could not handle it.

  5. Ice Beautiful September 9, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

    I totally rely. On the other hand a year ago it was the first time I went away and left my 4 year daughter with my husband for almost one week – I was so happy to stay alone even felt guilty for not to be missing them.

    • wonderlandbytatu September 10, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

      You see? We all feel guilty at some point, the only thing that changes is the reason why! xxx

  6. Clair Georgelli September 10, 2013 at 1:09 am #

    hm..this whole thing sounds so familiar to my ears ; ) xx

    Sent from my iPad

  7. meditatingmummy September 10, 2013 at 1:16 am #

    Oh T, I’ve missed your last post too…Can you guess why though? uh huh, yep, my lovely girls.
    I saw this and had to reply as quickly as I could because I am taking mine to ballet in a bit. It never does stop does it? I can so relate to everything you’ve said and more. I wish I could call you up and we could compare notes.. It hasn’t changed and mine are ( well, I thought) a little more independent, but, um, no… Guilt is still very present. So I try to be present with it. I am much better, like you, I realize I cannot be super mum. I cannot compete with mums who do everything, because I am doing my best…er, every now and then I question my best though…:-)

    I have to email you…

    • wonderlandbytatu September 10, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

      I wish you lived around the corner too!! Please do email me xxx

  8. Anka September 12, 2013 at 7:22 am #

    Tatu, you and I were sharing the same brain on Monday. I recently vented about ALL my failings as a mother. Which, of course, is tied to guilt. But, I’ve come to realize that NO ONE is perfect. Most of us are surviving from day to day, just trying to get by.
    That’s why honesty is endearing. It gives us permission to be human!

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