I am in a dark place. I have been there for a while now. I acknowledge the fact that I need to kick myself in the butt and get the hell out of there, if I ever want to feel OK again. I have been drowning in self pity, I have been beating myself up that I have failed as a parent already twice, why should I make another child suffer (yes, THAT bad), I have been nasty and cynical to the people I love, I have exploded more than a few times and I have shed more tears in the last few weeks than I have in my entire life (totally exaggerated of course).
I wasn’t planning to leave this
hell place anytime soon, I was expecting that I would magically snap out of it and see the light. But this is a load of crap my friends. Sitting back and waiting for things to change is just plain stupid, cause you know what? It doesn’t work like that.
If you are depressed and you feel that the whole world is closing in on you, you are shutting everyone else out. Especially your loved ones. And you expect for them to understand. If they love you, they will understand. Right??
Well…That is partly true. They will TRY to understand but they can not REALLY understand, because they (thankfully) are not experiencing what you are. So, they will be patient. And say the wrong things at the worst time. Because you are in such a miserable state that nothing will make you feel better. And you won’t see the light cause you really DON’T WANT to see the light. You want to continue feeling like crap because you think that this is your safe place, where everything sucks. And it’s easy to stay there. You don’t have to make any efforts whatsoever.
The thing is though that the longer you stay there, the harder it is to get out. It really is a vicious circle.
You might get lucky. You might have someone tell you the truth like it is, not sugar coated. And in the beginning you don’t listen to anything they have to say, because you are in denial. But then, you might look at it from a different angle. If you manage to let your self pity thoughts go, you might see what is truly there. The TRUTH. Things are not really THAT BAD.
So, my friends. I have faith. I will get better. I see it now.
Until next time
p.s. Thank you N.K & Y.M.