it’s not you

13 Dec

its me.

I am in a dark place. I have been there for a while now. I acknowledge the fact that I need to kick myself in the butt and get the hell out of there, if I ever want to feel OK again. I have been drowning in self pity, I have been beating myself up that I have failed as a parent already twice, why should I make another child suffer (yes, THAT bad), I have been nasty and cynical to the people I love, I have exploded more than a few times and I have shed more tears in the last few weeks than I have in my entire life (totally exaggerated of course).

I wasn’t planning to leave this hell place anytime soon, I was expecting that I would magically snap out of it and see the light. But this is a load of crap my friends. Sitting back and waiting for things to change is just plain stupid, cause you know what? It doesn’t work like that.

If you are depressed and you feel that the whole world is closing in on you, you are shutting everyone else out. Especially your loved ones. And you expect for them to understand. If they love you, they will understand. Right??

Well…That is partly true. They will TRY to understand but they can not REALLY understand, because they (thankfully) are not experiencing what you are. So, they will be patient. And say the wrong things at the worst time. Because you are in such a miserable state that nothing will make you feel better. And you won’t see the light cause you really DON’T WANT to see the light. You want to continue feeling like crap because you think that this is your safe place, where everything sucks. And it’s easy to stay there. You don’t have to make any efforts whatsoever. 

The thing is though that the longer you stay there, the harder it is to get out. It really is a vicious circle.

You might get lucky. You might have someone tell you the truth like it is, not sugar coated. And in the beginning you don’t listen to anything they have to say, because you are in denial. But then, you might look at it from a different angle. If you manage to let your self pity thoughts go, you might see what is truly there. The TRUTH. Things are not really THAT BAD.

So, my friends. I have faith. I will get better. I see it now.

Until next time

love

tatu

p.s. Thank you N.K & Y.M.

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14 Responses to “it’s not you”

  1. Anonymous December 13, 2013 at 10:14 am #

    I´ve been there and every single word you wrote is true.
    Keep strong my dear!

  2. mmtread December 13, 2013 at 11:17 am #

    Be well, Tatu, be well.

  3. ramblingsfromamum December 13, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    and please email me woman!!! xxxxx (hugs)

  4. memyselfandkids.com December 13, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear you’re in such a bad place. You are so hard on yourself when it comes to your children. You must be bruised from all the beating up.
    Would you consider talking to someone? A therapist might be able to help you get in a good place.

    • wonderlandbytatu December 13, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

      It’s true. I am hard on myself. I always have, it just got worse when I had my kids. Sometimes I just feel like whatever I do, is not good enough. I have thought about going to a therapist a few times, I am sure it would help.

      • memyselfandkids.com December 15, 2013 at 1:53 am #

        I wonder why the kids brings it out of you. Sometimes, I find it harder with kids because while I may want for my kids, they have to want for themselves too. It’s also hard to not compare.

  5. sakuraandme December 14, 2013 at 11:18 am #

    Oh T, I so don’t know exactly what’s going on for you to feel this way, but I truly understand the dark place you’re in. Being a parent isn’t easy job and anyone that says it is? is lying! All parents go through times of self doubt and children slamming doors on them and yelling, I hate you. Maybe not those exact words but pretty close, T. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re a good mother and your kids would know that and everyone else around you would as well. As parents all we won’t to do is teach our kids right from wrong and to live happy healthy lives. Your babies are still very young and it’s not an easy time for parents. No one is perfect no matter how good their lives look from the outside, remember that, T. Maybe a therapist would help you to vent without any judgement. I think your wonderful and I hug you and hope you soon see light. One day at a time, T. Hugs Paula xxxxx

    • wonderlandbytatu December 16, 2013 at 7:38 am #

      Oh Paula…I have thought about you many times these last few weeks…I am sure you DO understand. Deep down I know I am a good mother (thankfully I have a sister and a husband that remind me of that whenever I hit rock bottom). I know this parenting thing can be tough. Beautiful but tough. It’s a phase I know, and when they do grow up & heaven forbid 😉 leave the house I know I will miss these years like crazy, cause time does fly. Thank you for your precious thoughts and I will follow your advice. One day at a time. Love & hugs xxx T

      • sakuraandme December 16, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

        I’ll be thinking of you. Look after you, T. Hugs xxxxxxx

  6. insanityofmotherhood December 14, 2013 at 7:50 pm #

    You write with such sadness and despair. I hope you will consider reaching out and finding support for you during this sad time. As difficult as things are right now please know they can get better. I will be praying for you,

    • wonderlandbytatu December 16, 2013 at 7:40 am #

      You are right. Things will get better. Thank you Nate.

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