what will you do if I die?

9 Jan

WHAT?????

What will you do if I die? N. repeated while I was trying to make sense of what he had just asked me.

WHAT?? Why would you ask me something like that?

Well…I am taking care of everyone right now cause you are stuck in bed/on the couch and I was wondering what would happen to my family if something horrible were to happen to me. In his defense I know where he is coming from. He is overwhelmed right now. The HOUSE and the KIDS were my jurisdiction. His was WORK. We were (are) a good team. For the last few weeks he has taken on WAY TOO MUCH although he is in complete denial of the situation we are currently in. Still…I am pregnant=hormones=way TOO emotional to take this question lightly so I wore my no-expression face and replied:

I would get off the couch, do all the work, lose the baby, sell the house and pick up the pieces. SATISFIED?

Stupid question = Stupid answer, that is what I always tell him if we engage in a meaningless conversation.

Thankfully we ended the discussion there.

The problem is his partly innocent, partly life-is-a-bitch-and-then-you-die kind of question got me thinking. I am currently having a tough time accepting the whole bed arrest thing and find myself in the uncomfortable situation where I have SOOOO much time to over-think that my natural, realistic, non optimistic self goes down the road of preparing myself for the worst so that I will not be shattered should the worst come.

Lame right? I know. But the truth is I have been like this ever since I can remember. I blame my father for this. He is the most negative person I know. On.Earth.

The thing I have come to realize is, that the more negative you are about something the more likely it is to happen. I can’t explain it. It seems like negative people are drawn to negative energy.

What if I have a complicated pregnancy like I did with Iliana? I asked my gynecologist a few months back

Not all pregnancies are the same. Try not to worry about it too much though. Try and take it easy and it will go just fine, he replied in his calm voice.

Easier said than done.

A month later N. had to travel abroad and I had to take care of everything else. After the first couple of weeks of N. being gone, he returned with a strained back which left me taking care of my 3 ‘kids’ and everything else.

At one point I cracked and told N.: Hey, listen, you are forgetting that I am pregnant here. I don’t have the strength I used to. Take it easy or something horrible might happen, like a placental abruption or something. TRUE STORY. I could blame it on my newly discovered psychic powers but being a realist I might have just watched one too many episodes of The Mentalist lately.

A number of resolutions for the new year seem just too scary and stressful at the moment, so I have decided that I will focus on one and take it from there.

I will do my best to look at the bright side of life.

Any ideas on how to start?

Until next time

love

tatu

p.s. Happy, healthy & a fabulous New Year to all of you!

20140109-091041.jpg

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16 Responses to “what will you do if I die?”

  1. ramblingsfromamum January 9, 2014 at 10:14 am #

    that looks scrumptious and oh so indulgent – I just want to reach into the monitor and take a bite – you have pregnancy brain lovely – your thoughts are all over the shop as we say. Your rationale… well ain’t rational. I think N will survive even being a little overwhelmed, they are tougher than they look. Think of what us women have to manage.. ask him if he’d rather give birth? Seriously all will be well I am sure , you will get out of bed arrest and before long another bouncing bundle will be in your arms…so smile sweet girl – tis good oh and Happy New Year to you! xx

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:19 pm #

      you are right. My thoughts are all over the place. I wasn’t used to having sooo much time to think. Now, all I do is think. Think about this and that and the outcome of the other etc. I will do my best though and focus on the good things. Thanks for everything my MM. Love & xxx

  2. Elina Zambounis January 9, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    Every time I read one of your posts I want to see you even more badly…
    And running down the 34th week of my own pregnancy, reminds me that I have to do it the soonest…
    Since you’re under the bed arrest situation, I will just have to come by your place, and share your sofa for a few hours…
    As of next week I will be doing less of anything I did until today, and more of plain nothing, so I could definitely squeeze in quite some time for a visit..
    Just name the day and time.

    In the meantime, keep blogging…It seems to be working better than any other psychotherapy!
    Oh, and did nobody tell you that from the first day you became a mom?
    The only side you can afford to look at life, now with three kids in your life, is the bright one! ; )

    I know its hard, and most times unattainable (well it is for me…)
    but personally I think it beats ANY other how-to-be-a -better-parent advice, norm, or standard…

    Starting from there, all else is plain easy!

    • Gina January 9, 2014 at 8:49 pm #

      Hey both of you preggos..if you meet, can I join?
      Tatu, if you want to think something positive think of me. EVERYTHNG has happened to me and I am still going…so you are better than I am..NOT everything has happened to you!! so .. 🙂

      • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

        You are welcome to join us anytime!
        I know, I think about you a lot.
        I will do my best.
        xxx

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:21 pm #

      You can come by any time! Preferably in the morning/noon so we can have some uninterrupted & quiet time. Look at your schedule and text me the day before. xxx

  3. expatsincebirth January 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

    Tatu, you’re under quite a lot of stress right now and so is N. . It’s actually positive that he tells you his fears. Some don’t and that is worse… As long as you keep on talking, even if it hurts: you can deal with it, name it, discuss it, maybe write it down (like a “worst case plan”: it sounds weird, but it actually makes you focus on the rational side of this…) and then put it aside. Because you need to put it aside in order to focus on the bright side of this situation. For me, it always worked to write those things down. In a diary maybe?
    How to start to become more positive? Well, there are many exercices and I don’t know which one you’d prefer. Like starting the day with a smile (even if you would rather cry: the movement of your face muscles only helps to lift the spirit (takes some time in the beginning ;-)) and ending it with listing up only positive things you experienced during the day? I know, laying down on the sofa is not positive for you right now, but maybe you did something new? Observed something in your kids, your family today that made you happy or glad? And then try to enjoy that happy feeling for as long as you can.
    I wish you all the best and I’m sure you’ll get to focus on the good things.
    Ganz liebe Grüße und bis bald xx

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

      Liebe Ute. Your comment is straight from the heart. I am sure that if you lived any closer you would make sure I was well taken care of. Thank you. Thank you for your support, thank you for your compassion. Vielen Dank. It means a lot. I hope you and your family had einen guten Rutsch ins Neue Jahr. Alles alles liebe xxx

  4. Αγγελική January 9, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    I vehemently believe that the best place to start if you want to look at the bright side of life is to repeat these words ten times to yourself:

    Some things in life are bad
    They can really make you mad
    Other things just make you swear and curse
    When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
    Don’t grumble, give a whistle
    And this’ll help things turn out for the best.

    Continue by whistling the tune to the chorus:

    And always look on the bright side of life
    Always look on the light side of life

    And finish by putting the song below in full blast and singing along at the top of your voice !!!

    Lots of kisses and hugs and positive outlook vibes, my darling !!! xxxxx 🙂

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

      That was exactly what I needed! Just perfect!! Thank you my dear xxx

  5. memyselfandkids.com January 9, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    Your P.S. and picture don’t seem to go with your blog (though the food looks very good).
    Anyway, it seems like a harsh question to ask.
    Also, I agree that when we are overly negative things tend to go awry but even worse is the way we take it. We are more easily defeated.

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:27 pm #

      I know you are right. But that is the point. I want to stop looking at the shitty stuff and start enjoying the small things, like this cake Yiannis decorated himself.

  6. nothingbythebook January 9, 2014 at 5:15 pm #

    I wish I could come and feed you and take your kids to the park and give you a big hug. Oh, Tatu. All the cyberlove I can muster, your way. Prevail, beloved.

    • wonderlandbytatu January 10, 2014 at 3:31 pm #

      They would have a blast. Although I would probably send N. to the park with the kids and let you keep me the best company ever. Love & one BIG hug!

  7. meditatingmummy January 11, 2014 at 1:07 am #

    Oh my Tatu, I know you have time to think but try not to. I hope you are knitting. I still want you to knit something for me but not now… You have too much going on. I’m also glad you are writing and btw, Yiannis did such a great job, it looks scrumptious. I would be over in a heartbeat, sit with you and send everyone out of the house while you and I talk and laugh. We will have much to talk about.
    So here’s the thing. I’m with Mumsy. Um, no man could possibly do what we do, having a baby, carrying them around and then taking care of them, doing it three times would be impossible for most men I know… And if there’s any who say they can do it, I like to see them try – since it isn’t biologically possible, it is easier said than done. You have raging hormones, there is always negativity around pregnancy and esp. If you’ve had a difficult one it is okay to feel that way as long as you line up your thinking with positive ones..,
    You will be just fine. N will bounce back. It is overwhelming right now.
    You always, always have us…
    xxxx

  8. Bestof2sisters January 12, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

    I have just been catching up on your blog, and am so, so sorry to hear you’ve been going through such tough times… Sending you lots of positive thoughts and encouragement!! Stay strong xxx

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