the end of an era

19 Mar

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How can one squeeze half a lifetime of memories into 4 days?

The moment I stepped my foot into the house I call my second home, tears started running down my cheeks. Right there at the entrance, where we had last said our goodbyes 6 years ago. When they were both still there.

Omi & Opi.

Now, instead of their laughter, there was silence. Painful & breathtaking silence. Everything looked the same, but it was nothing like before without their presence. The picture hanging on the wall, the smell coming from the kitchen, the sound coming from the boiler all shook me to the core.  It’s too painful, I thought to myself. It’s too soon. I don’t want to do this. A very close friend of the family saw my devastation and gave me an emergency hug. ‘it’s ok…you need to grieve…let it all out…’

On the day of her funeral, the sun was shining. It was unexpected but painfully calming as one of Omi’s biggest concerns had always been whether the sun was going to shine or not (understandable when it comes to Germany’s awful unpredictable weather).  Just before the funeral, my sister Alex and I needed to get some air and decided to go for a last walk in our beloved woods where Opi used to hide Gummibärchen under the trees and pretend the heinzelmännchen had left them there for us.

The service followed, tears were shed and final goodbyes were said.

Grief is a strange thing. It comes and goes whenever it pleases without any forewarning or hesitation. One moment you think your are OK, the next you are overwhelmed with an unbearable sadness.

Sadness of someone who will be forever gone but never forgotten.

Omi, Ich hab dich wahnsinnig lieb

deine allerbeste Tatu

 

Ich bin nicht tot, ich tauschte nur die Räume.
Ich leb in euch, ich geh in eure Träume

Michelangelo

 

 

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2 Responses to “the end of an era”

  1. Anonymous March 19, 2017 at 8:49 pm #

    My beloved Tatu, your post brings tears to my eyes. But my tears are not of grief and sorrow (at least not for your loss), they are of gratitude and relief that you had the chance to live half of what is the most important part of our lifetime filled with love from your family! The memories that now feel like choking you from despair, as now only belong to the past send me nothing else but the message of a life filled with joy and happiness provided from your grandparents. And this Tatu mou is something you really don’t find in every family….
    I know this is a time of deep and painful grief. Indeed it is a rite of passage for us and nobody gets away with it. But once this is past, you will hold these memories that you so abundantly shared with your Omi & Opi like a chest of gold! Like the same chest of gold that your children are currently collecting from their grandparents. And as much as love will inevitably hurt at those times, we should never forget how blessed the people who have felt it in such strength and depth, in such wealth and abundance really are.
    You are one such blessed grandchild and so will your children be.
    And this is something that bitters me deeply for not having felt it, and not having been able to provide it for my own children.
    Sweet Yiayia and Papou memories of deep spiritual connection and love!

    May you always be blessed with that love!

    I love you.

    Elina.

  2. meditatingmummy March 25, 2017 at 3:13 am #

    Oh T, sending you so much love. Such beautiful memories to have for the rest of your life. Even if they are no longer with you, they will forever have blessed you and left their love and wisdom with you, your sister and your entire family. Lots of hugs coming your way xx

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