Tag Archives: funny

disgusting facts of motherhood, part 1

10 Oct

Remember a few weeks ago how naturally high I was from all the love and gratitude I felt pouring out of me? Remember how I bragged about being more calm and peaceful now with my three little bundles of joy(?) than I have ever been? That it can be done. Nothing seemed impossible.

That was before N. left for a 2-day business trip abroad.

I usually take refugee at my sister’s when he needs to travel or have my mom stay over or my mother in law help out with pick ups and drop offs at school.

However, this time, the universe decided to teach me a lesson and slapped me in my face challenged me by ‘sending’ my tribe to all kinds of strange locations as far as possible from this I-can-do-it-all-by-myself-mama.

This was day one:

I woke up at 06:15 feeling completely and utterly nauseated. If you know me, you know I don’t do nausea. If you ask me what the worst thing that my kids can bring from school is I will rank the stomach flu on top of my list. It is even worse than lice. That is how much I detest it.  I mumbled something of the sorts to the husband who was packing his carry on luggage and in an attempt to find a solution to the problem (nauseated mama + 3 kids + 35 minutes drive to school) he suggested the only logical thing a man would suggest: ‘If you are feeling too sick to drive stay home and let the kids skip school today’.

I gave him the look. You know, THE LOOK. The you-didn’t-just-suggest-I-help-Yiannis-cut-class look. It always amazes me how much power wrong wording can have on someone’s facial expressions.

Once N. left, I had twenty minutes to pack their lunches, fill up their water bottles, feed Benny, close the house and remember to take all three kids with me. Oh and the bucket, plastic bag(s) and kitchen roll which I threw on the passenger seat as my attempt to at least keep it clean.

36 minutes later we arrived safe and sound at school. I had hoped that after dropping off the kids at school that the nausea would start to subside as the first stressful task of the day was behind me. In an attempt to convince myself that I was feeling better I left the school and went to the nearest super market to do my weekly shopping. As I entered the mall and passed by the fast food restaurant on my right I felt the intoxicating smells of deep fried dishes attacking my oppressed nausea and the whole what-if-I-need-to-throw-up-right-here-right-now kind of panic took over.

In a desperate attempt to ignore the signs of my body I put the little-guy-outside in the stroller and headed towards the deodorant section of the super market.

Note to self no 1: when nauseated, avoid all kinds of smells. Even the AXE anarchy for men. Especially THAT.

Along with my very disgusted almost to0 sick to keep it together kind of look I went looking for diapers.

Note to self no 2: when nauseated, any kind of disgusting visual (even little precious baby’s pooh) might trigger the unthinkable.

As I was now speed shopping through the super market and desperately trying to shush my inner alarm voice, I was also having to deal with the screaming underfed baby in the stroller.

Note to self no 3: when nauseated, successful problem solving skills are non existent. Out the window. Gone.

I quickly decided to find a quiet place in the upper floor of the super market to nurse him as my shopping cart was full and there was no way he (or I) would last through the check out lines without attracting everyone’s attention. So as I was walking towards the men clothing section I spotted a well hidden (or so I thought) kind of bench. I parked the stroller, took the baby out, started nursing him only to realize that my time had come. That instant when you realize that you must unlatch the baby, throw him the safest you can back on the stroller, grab the plastic bag and picture yourself as Kristen Wiig in the Bridesmaids, is one of a kind my friends. One of the I-never-ever-ever-would-want-to-relive-again kind of moments.

Note to self no 4: when nauseated, by all means DO NOT NURSE

Until next time

love

t

and this was day 2

and this was day 2

my all time favourite ad

8 Nov

mother

5 Nov

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women and hair: a love affair

25 Oct

Whenever I start a conversation with ‘listen honey, I need a change’,  N. looks at me with horror. He already knows. Change means hair change.

No matter what the problem is, I take it out on my hair. Getting slightly, tiny bit older, made me start losing this freshness, this wrinkle free version of myself. There are these few extra kilos reminiscent of a couple of pregnancies I made my body go through and a few grey hair enough to remind me (on a daily basis) that I am not getting any younger.  Losing the extra weight is near to impossible since I don’t have the abundance of free time (having two small children to take care of), or so I tell myself (i was never the gym kinda girl).  So, what do I do????? I change my hair. Again. Since the last attempt to alter my hair turned me into a Dudley Moore version of myself, this time I decided to change the colour.

A couple of hairdressers visits later I managed to accomplish the following:

  1. Burned some of my hair because apparently you can not dye your hair and then dye it again and then dye it again in less than 3 weeks and not actually permanently damage your hair
  2. Cut off the burned hair (yes, the hair I have been trying to let grow for the past two years)
  3. Spend quite some money while doing the above

All in all, the last hair altering experience made me realise three things. Juliane Moore’s red can not be successfully copied, going brunette makes me look more like Cruella de Vil and dark blond is really my colour and the colour I should stick to. At least until my next desire for change 😉

xxx

T

Aside

5 steps to achieve mother burnout (and fast)

21 Oct
  1. Tell you children to wake you up very early each morning (preferably when it is still dark outside). Explain to child no1 that he/she should scream the loudest possible to ensure that everybody in the house is woken up. Especially child no2.
  2. Take your kids with you wherever you go, especially to the grocery store. Make sure they are hungry and tired in order to achieve the best results.
  3. Let them spend some quality time with each other during peak hours (just before bedtime) and hand over to child no1 the toy which is he not willing to share with child no2. Stay in the room.
  4. Let them decide when they want to go to bed at night. Allow them to come in and out of your room how often they want and tell them it is ok to wake you up (and everybody else) as often as they want during the night.
  5. Don’t take any personal time. You are needed 24/7, not a minute less, don’t ever forget that.Try to stay up late to ensure that you sleep the minimum needed time.

Afterall, you are supermom.

xxx

T

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Aside

dear greek driver

19 Oct

dear greek driver,

this is a letter I have been meaning to write to you for a while. Now, I finally feel ready and would like to clarify a few things for you if you don’t mind:

The traffic light has three colours. We all know and agree for what green stands for. Orange, on the other hand, is something which you seem to have understood the other way around. Slowly stopping your car is what is requested, not accelerating like driving a formula 1 car. Red means freeze, not pass if you are cool enough.

You are not actually smarter than everyone else. Therefore I would appreciate it if you could stay behind the first car waiting for the light to turn green and not squeeze yourself through two cars only to get ahead. Being the second, or God forbid, the third car is not the end of the world. Trust me.

The time it takes you to honk when the traffic light turns green is probably shorter than the time required for light to travel. You might consider giving the person in front of you the luxury of a second or two.

Parking spaces specifically designed for handicapped people do not translate into reserved parking spaces just for you, smartass. Walking something extremely long, like 10 meters, won’t actually harm you, on the contrary it will wake you up a bit and make you think.

Catching up on your phone with all your friends while driving is not only stupid but totally uncool.  Same with drinking and driving. You are not actually the only person on the planet who can drink more than one drink and still drive safely. There is no such thing!

Last but not least, be a man (or a woman), stop your car, open the door, exit your car, lift the garbage bag and place it gently into the bin. Lowering your window, throwing the garbage out of the window and into the bin is not an option! There is a reason why you did not become a professional basketball player.

Thank you for reading,

Yours truly ‘cant believe I am still bothered by your driving after 17 years’ half greek citizen

TImage

the crocodile backpack vs the IKEA sticker

18 Oct

All parents have at least one thing in common: they want what is best for their children. But what is best? Best is completely subjective. What works for one parent might not work at all for another. Each and everyone perceives the needs of their children differently and react upon them in distinct ways.

Yianni is super excited about the swim classes he takes at school every Thursday. That is why I was extremely surprised to hear him say that he doesn’t want to go to school today. After a long talk with him I realised that the problem behind the unwillingness to show up for the swimming class is that he was being bullied at school about his bag with wheels. Slap no 1: There I go and think that a bag with wheels is super cool and it turns out to be the worst choice. Way to go momma! 

I decided to take action. It turns out to be a totally different action from what N. would have done, but anyway. I went with both kids to the store and looked for a fun enough backpack which would cheer my son up and make him proud to take to swimming class. I saw the bag and fell in love. It was one of these (rare) moments when mom and son liked the same thing. WOW, what a relief (I couldn’t bear the fact of buying another crappy mcqueen thingy). He was happy, I was happy, Iliana was not that happy (she was trying to deal with the ‘no honey you don’t really need a bag since you are not going to school yet’ kinda reply).

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We left the store and went to IKEA. At the checkout, the nice lady sees my kids and decides to give them a few stickers of LIFE IS GOOD, IKEA. Boy, were they thrilled! Christmas came early this year. How unfair is that. Slap no 2: I go out of my way, buy the super cute (don’t dare to bully my son again) crocodile bag, buy them dinner at IKEA and she gets the million dollar smile! Ughhh.

Truth be told, no matter how hard we try, what children really need is tenderness, support, love and a few fancy stickers!

xxx

T

Quote

“There are three ways to…

14 Oct

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it.”

-Monta Crane

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