Tag Archives: marriage

14

4 Feb

Its been a while. I know. I don’t want to make any excuses.

It’s not like I am juggling between keeping alive raising three kids, cooking a decent meal (or two) daily, cleaning the mess they we leave behind, washing the dirty clothes (I am currently competing with the dirty clothes cabinet and the shitty humid weather), chauffeuring them from school, organizing their clothes (epic fail no1) and their toys (one would think I would get wiser-epic fail no2), taking them to the doctor’s, working on sibling conflict resolution, keeping the little guy outside somewhat safe, doing the grocery and farmer’s market shopping, feeding and grooming the pets, ironing N.’s shirts (I have come to accept wrinkles, wrinkles are my friends now), nursing the baby, teaching the baby to eat solids, carrying the baby 24/7 around the house as he is currently going through the I-don’t-see-my-mom-where-is-she-she-is-gone-forever separation anxiety phase, supervising Yianni’s homework and last but not least, being a loving, appreciative, awesome wife to my partner in crime of the last 14 years.

14.

I am not an anniversary kinda gal, we usually both remember it a few days later but today he remembered. So, did I (after he reminded me of it).

So, today (and everyday) I feel grateful for him. For the last 14 years.

Today, I am celebrating LOVE.

Until next time

love

t

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does marriage kill romance? hell yeah

12 Jun

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt about getting married and having my own children. I had this very romantic, idyllic, unrealistic view of marriage. At least for the first twenty years of my life.

Then, the bubble burst.

My parents had tried very hard to pretend perfection. They had kept us outside their troubles, their turmoil, their struggles, until we were forced in. Did it serve us well? Hell no.

This post is not about my parents’ marriage though. This is not my story to tell.

This was just a mere introduction of how terrified I had suddenly become of getting married. Will I find the right one? Will I end up like my parents? Will it be as hard? Will I be struggling?

Yes, I hope not, probably, definitely.

I had a huge burden on my soul which gave me so much stress each time I started a new relationship which ultimately contributed in the break up.

During my emotional screwed up state I met N. We immediately clicked, spend a lot of time together, flirted like crazy and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I then decided to call it quits. N. was so surprised with my cold shoulder that he actually asked me to go out for a coffee and interrogated me if he had imagined the whole flirting thing or if it had actually happened.  I then gave him the most cliché but real answer I could. I told him that I valued him too much as a person to destroy him as I was an emotional wreck. He didn’t believe a word.

Six months later I decided to dive in. It was the first time I had no plans whatsoever. I had decided I would enjoy myself. I would live in the moment.

5 years later we got married.

These past 7 years we have been through a lot. My mother’s sickness, the death of his father, the birth of our two children, the letting go of our old carefree days, the transformation of our lives, the involuntary interference of the in-laws, the joy and the stress that parenthood brought upon us.

We sometimes lost each other in trying to deal with all of the above. We were lucky enough to find our way back.

Marriage is hard. Love is not enough. I always thought it was. But it ain’t. If you want your marriage to work you must constantly struggle to keep it alive. There will be bumps in the way. Lots of them. The secret is to keep finding ways to avoid them. Like the plague.

It is a constant struggle. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t choose a divorce. Don’t have an affair. Unless, you have realized that the person you decided to share the rest of your life with has flaws you can’t live with. Focus on the traits that you can’t live without. Make time to spend with each other. One on one. No kids. No friends. Just the two of you. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Make love even though you are tired. Turn your partner into your best friend.

Then, only then, you will have much higher chances to make it work. It’s not going to be easy, but what is?

Until next time

love,

tatu

P.S. I spent the last 10 Minutes trying to convince N. to publish a picture we have from our New York Eves dinner but as he is a very private person I failed. I am OK with that. You see people? Lesson No 1: Respect & Compromise 😉

marriage

I want you to want to do the dishes

1 Apr

While I was shutting down my computer last night and announcing to N. that I was off to bed, he turned to me and asked: what? just like that? no apple tonight? For some strange reason we are both too tired to do anything after we put the kids to bed. We have the same argument conversation every night. ‘How about some fruit?’ ‘How about it? I usually reply’, something as simple as peeling and coring an apple is a task we both dread at THAT time of the evening when all we want to do is NOTHING WHATSOEVER.

This post is not about the apple (obviously).

This post is about marriage and communication and reasonable expectations and sacrifices (yes, even in the tiniest little form of sacrificing 5 minutes of your precious, yet much deserved, zoning out in front of the computer/TV/iPad/iPhone time to peel and core the apple for your better half).

There is a scene in the movie ‘the break-up’ where Jennifer Aniston is arguing with her boyfriend Vince Vaughn on how she expects him to do things for her without even having to ask him. After trying to convince him to drop what he is doing (playing games on PlayStation) in order to help her with the dishes and moans long enough to succeed, she then tells him that he shouldn’t help her after all since he wasn’t willing to do it in the first place. ‘I want you to want to do the dishes’. This line has stuck with me ever since.

I am well aware of the fact that we women are complicated creatures. We over analyze and have too many expectations in terms of demanding the person right next to us to know where we are coming from. I used to be like that as well. A lot.  I had something in my mind and if it didn’t turn out the exact way I expected it to turn out I fussed and moaned and nagged and all the other beautiful verbs you men use for us women. And N. always told me the same thing: ‘if it bothered you that much, why didn’t you say something in the first place?’

Then I had my kids and I grew up (see? I blame everything on them).

I lowered my expectations and started communicating better. I now say what is on my mind before over analyzing it and blowing it out of proportion. And it usually helps. Not always. There are still times when I think: I want you to want to do the dishes, the only difference is that I say it out loud.

Until next time

love,

tatu

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