Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt about getting married and having my own children. I had this very romantic, idyllic, unrealistic view of marriage. At least for the first twenty years of my life.
Then, the bubble burst.
My parents had tried very hard to pretend perfection. They had kept us outside their troubles, their turmoil, their struggles, until we were forced in. Did it serve us well? Hell no.
This post is not about my parents’ marriage though. This is not my story to tell.
This was just a mere introduction of how terrified I had suddenly become of getting married. Will I find the right one? Will I end up like my parents? Will it be as hard? Will I be struggling?
Yes, I hope not, probably, definitely.
I had a huge burden on my soul which gave me so much stress each time I started a new relationship which ultimately contributed in the break up.
During my emotional screwed up state I met N. We immediately clicked, spend a lot of time together, flirted like crazy and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I then decided to call it quits. N. was so surprised with my cold shoulder that he actually asked me to go out for a coffee and interrogated me if he had imagined the whole flirting thing or if it had actually happened. I then gave him the most cliché but real answer I could. I told him that I valued him too much as a person to destroy him as I was an emotional wreck. He didn’t believe a word.
Six months later I decided to dive in. It was the first time I had no plans whatsoever. I had decided I would enjoy myself. I would live in the moment.
5 years later we got married.
These past 7 years we have been through a lot. My mother’s sickness, the death of his father, the birth of our two children, the letting go of our old carefree days, the transformation of our lives, the involuntary interference of the in-laws, the joy and the stress that parenthood brought upon us.
We sometimes lost each other in trying to deal with all of the above. We were lucky enough to find our way back.
Marriage is hard. Love is not enough. I always thought it was. But it ain’t. If you want your marriage to work you must constantly struggle to keep it alive. There will be bumps in the way. Lots of them. The secret is to keep finding ways to avoid them. Like the plague.
It is a constant struggle. Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t choose a divorce. Don’t have an affair. Unless, you have realized that the person you decided to share the rest of your life with has flaws you can’t live with. Focus on the traits that you can’t live without. Make time to spend with each other. One on one. No kids. No friends. Just the two of you. Remember why you fell in love in the first place. Make love even though you are tired. Turn your partner into your best friend.
Then, only then, you will have much higher chances to make it work. It’s not going to be easy, but what is?
Until next time
P.S. I spent the last 10 Minutes trying to convince N. to publish a picture we have from our New York Eves dinner but as he is a very private person I failed. I am OK with that. You see people? Lesson No 1: Respect & Compromise 😉